Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Wow, been almost a year....

Doesn't seem like it's been almost a year since my last post.  Sorry I've neglected this for so long.  Guess since I've been in the clear for so long now, I haven't felt like could contribute much else.  But then got to thinking, there's more to fighting cancer than while going through it.  It's a lifelong process.  Whether fighting through it at the time, dealing with the after effects right afterwards, or years down the road.  For any cancer survivor, there's always going to be that thought in the back of your mind about it, like a nagging question about whether it will ever come back.  One of them for me is "Has the cancer won?"  Meaning, although the cancer didn't kill me, did it take away parts of my life that I could/should be living now?  Sometimes I can honestly answer that yes, it has.  And I feel to blame for it, because I for some reason, feel like "I just can't do that now."  In some ways, physically, yes there's a few things I can't do.  But there again, has been partly my fault.  I haven't worked hard to keep myself in good physical shape.  I don't eat very healthy at all.  I should know better, but I give in anyways.  That's where I feel the cancer is winning, even still.  It's hard for me to explain, but sometimes I just get tired of trying, so I just give in to whatever.  I feel like I've used up so much of my self-resolve going through the treatments, that I have almost none left.  Even now.  Sometimes I think, what's the point?  Why should I?  I feel stuck in a rut in a lot of ways in my life, and not sure how to get out of it. 

So, all of that to say this.  A friend of mine sent me a website called "101 Things To Do When You Survive."(I'll post a link to the side)  The author has been fulfilling all the things in his life that's he's always wanted to do.  And surviving cancer has fueled his desire even greater to fulfill those things.    And it got me thinking, maybe that's what I need to do.  Come up with a list of stuff I've always wanted to do, and actually begin working towards them.  I'll post my list soon, still working on it.  But it's been encouraging for me to come up with this list.  It's gotten my imagination going some, and helping me to reconnect with those desires I have, but have suppressed for so long.  This list is helping me find my passions again.  And it's pretty fun to actually be working towards the things on the list.  It's also helping me keep focused more on actually fulfilling a task.  Kind of like reading a book.  I'm one of those people that will read a few chapters of a book, but never finish it.  So it is in my life, so far.  I have these things I want to do (the book), start it (read the first few chapters), but never follow through (finish reading the book).  Having an actual list written down, helps me to continually think about it, and follow through with it. 

So, things will be interesting for me in the future.  Going to take some changes to my entire lifestyle to accomplish some of these things.  But I see that as a good thing.  It will be interesting, at least.  lol

Monday, May 27, 2013

Whatever it is....

Just watched a video on Youtube, Joe Nichols "The Shape I'm In".  And at the end, there's a veteran that says: "Whatever it is..., never give up, never quit.  Keep getting back up and moving forward.  You'll be surprised at what you can do." 
Inspiring for me, cause I've let everything I've been through and all, get me down. I give up on myself a lot.  I've kept on getting up from everything, and am just tired of trying sometimes.  But seeing and hearing others who have been through harder times than me and keep getting back up and making something of themselves inspires me to do the same.  Sometimes it goes through my head that life has just gotten the best of me, and that I've failed.  I've tried and tried, and seems like I just can't get things going in a good direction.  I get up only to be knocked down again.  Something needs to change, and I don't know how to go about it. 
But hearing that guy say that stuff, helps re-center my thoughts, helps reset my mode of thinking.  Yeah, I've failed, a lot, but I've also picked myself back up and tried again. I need to keep trying.  Need to get on a right track, and move forward.  Whatever that track is, I don't know.  But hopefully soon I can figure something out, and going again.  I just hate being alone so much.  I've been doing so much on my own, and just need that someone to help push me to better myself.  I've tried, but things just didn't work out.  Not sure what all I've done wrong this time around.  But, I'm trying to get my head back on straight and move along. 

Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Hitting the gym, finally again

Finally going back to the gym.  Found a good one here in Hagerstown that's only a few minutes away.  And it seems pretty good.  At the moment it's an Anytime Fitness, but the owner is going private, and expanding it.  Opening up a pool and other stuff.  So, I think it's going to be a good place to be at.

Have been really motivated, lately, to get back in to good shape.  Better than I've ever been.  One, to prove that I've overcome the cancer in the best way possible.  And two, to prove to all of those that have put me on the back-burner for other people or things, that they made a huge mistake.  I want them to look at me, and know that I should have never been looked over, that I'm better than everyone else that's been in their lives.  That I should have been thought of first.  I have a lot to offer as it is.  And will soon have a lot more.

And to all of those that have looked down on me, be it because of the cancer, or because I'm overweight, or any other reason, look out.  Cause you're about to be bowled over.  And the ones who put me behind them for someone else or something else, you'll be sorry.  You'll regret it.

Guess I just have a lot of frustration, and have no other outlet, so I suppose I'll let it out here.  I'm sick and tired of being thought of last.  Working out and bettering myself in every way possible seems to be a good way to get over this funk and depression I've been in.  The depression and loneliness has really kicked my butt lately.  Even with the move and new job, I'm still kind of down and out.  But lately just been more motivation than ever to get my ass going and to get to a better frame of being. 

The news that I'm cured of the cancer, back on March 19th, still hasn't really sunk in.  Still feel like the cancer is sort of like a dark cloud hovering over me.  Kind of wish that the fact I'm past it now would sink in.  Not sure what it's going to take, but hopefully soon I can move past it.  Maybe I never will, I don't know.  Maybe I need to use this for more than I can think of right now.  Who knows.  Still feel like I'm in a holding pattern with it.  Guess I just need some clarity on life.  But, thinking of that, who doesn't?