Tuesday, November 3, 2009

It's been a while, had a great summer

Yeah, I know I haven't posted anything.  Gosh, has it really been since May that I've posted anything?  Haven't had much going on as far as the cancer goes.  I got the all-clear at the check-up in May, and have been trying my best to enjoy the summer.  It's strange, as it's basically been my first summer in the past three years that I haven't had to do some sort of treatment.  And it's been a good summer.  I got to go camping (to include kayaking, swimming, etc.), white water rafting (which was a blast!), some good mountain biking (but not as much as I wanted as I'm still really out of shape), and my mom's side of the family had a reunion.  Lots of fun there.  It was great to see all of my aunts, uncles and cousins.  Everyone was concerned for me when I was going through treatment, talking on the phone and stuff.  So, it was good for all of us to know that I'm in the clear now, and to be able to spend time with each other.   
 
So, I'm suppose to go this month some time to get my 1 year checkup.  Haven't gotten my appointments yet, but it's coming.  I'm sure everything is fine, but there's always that part in the back of my mind that says "what if the tests come back positive again?"  There will always be that shadow of doubt, but I keep trusting that the Lord will see me through.  I pray that I don't have to go through this again.  This whole transplant ordeal was more than enough for me.  Partly physical, but also the emotional side of it is really hard.  In fact, I'm still kind of struggling with some stuff emotionally.  I won't go into detail, but some of the people that I thought would be there to support me were no where to be found.  Even to this day. 
 
There are times that I just want to forget everything that's happened.  It's not that I'm ashamed of it or anything, but I just get tired of trying to deal with it all, or to have to explain everything from the beginning yet again.  I don't resent the person asking.  I know they're maybe being supportive and truly wanting to learn or whatever, but it's just exhausting.  
 
Another thing that's always on my mind, is that I feel like everyone I've met in the past few years, all they think about when they think of me is the cancer.  It was only a few months after I moved here that I was diagnosed, and pretty much my entire time here has been spent dealing with the cancer.  So, in my mind, I feel like that's all they associate with me.  And I know that, for some small part, it is true.  But maybe I'm just a little paranoid too.  It's just hard to discern which is which, because I just don't talk to hardly anyone any more.  Everyone has their lives to live, and when someone isn't able to be around, they kind of get left behind.  Or because of my lack of fitness, I haven't been able to go on too many excursions.  O'well, I just need to give it some more time, and hopefully everything will pick up again.  
 
Okay, anyways; all things considered I'm doing pretty good.  I'm finally getting back in to the gym, and really making a push to get back in to shape.  So I can basically do more stuff next year.  I definitely want to do more mountain biking, and maybe some hiking/backpacking, you know stuff like that.  One thing that I definitely have planned for next year is to do a "bike-packing" trip.  Basically a back packing trip, but instead of hiking, it's riding on the mountain bike.  You carry your stuff in a back pack, and also on racks on the bike.  You can cover more ground in a given time, and it's just a different dynamic.  I don't exactly know where I'm going to do my trip yet, but I have plenty of time to figure that out.  I've been reading a lot on different places to go, also what items to take, what not to take, etc.  I'm looking forward to it, and will surely post pictures once I finally get out and get to do this. 
Well, I'm sure that's enough for now.  Once I get my next set of tests completed and receive my results, I'll post again.  Until then, thanks to all of you who have read this blog.  It's been a good release for me, and my hope is that maybe someone will be encouraged or educated with my experiences and such.  Take care, and I hope everyone is doing good.  God bless.