Monday, May 27, 2013

Whatever it is....

Just watched a video on Youtube, Joe Nichols "The Shape I'm In".  And at the end, there's a veteran that says: "Whatever it is..., never give up, never quit.  Keep getting back up and moving forward.  You'll be surprised at what you can do." 
Inspiring for me, cause I've let everything I've been through and all, get me down. I give up on myself a lot.  I've kept on getting up from everything, and am just tired of trying sometimes.  But seeing and hearing others who have been through harder times than me and keep getting back up and making something of themselves inspires me to do the same.  Sometimes it goes through my head that life has just gotten the best of me, and that I've failed.  I've tried and tried, and seems like I just can't get things going in a good direction.  I get up only to be knocked down again.  Something needs to change, and I don't know how to go about it. 
But hearing that guy say that stuff, helps re-center my thoughts, helps reset my mode of thinking.  Yeah, I've failed, a lot, but I've also picked myself back up and tried again. I need to keep trying.  Need to get on a right track, and move forward.  Whatever that track is, I don't know.  But hopefully soon I can figure something out, and going again.  I just hate being alone so much.  I've been doing so much on my own, and just need that someone to help push me to better myself.  I've tried, but things just didn't work out.  Not sure what all I've done wrong this time around.  But, I'm trying to get my head back on straight and move along. 

Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Hitting the gym, finally again

Finally going back to the gym.  Found a good one here in Hagerstown that's only a few minutes away.  And it seems pretty good.  At the moment it's an Anytime Fitness, but the owner is going private, and expanding it.  Opening up a pool and other stuff.  So, I think it's going to be a good place to be at.

Have been really motivated, lately, to get back in to good shape.  Better than I've ever been.  One, to prove that I've overcome the cancer in the best way possible.  And two, to prove to all of those that have put me on the back-burner for other people or things, that they made a huge mistake.  I want them to look at me, and know that I should have never been looked over, that I'm better than everyone else that's been in their lives.  That I should have been thought of first.  I have a lot to offer as it is.  And will soon have a lot more.

And to all of those that have looked down on me, be it because of the cancer, or because I'm overweight, or any other reason, look out.  Cause you're about to be bowled over.  And the ones who put me behind them for someone else or something else, you'll be sorry.  You'll regret it.

Guess I just have a lot of frustration, and have no other outlet, so I suppose I'll let it out here.  I'm sick and tired of being thought of last.  Working out and bettering myself in every way possible seems to be a good way to get over this funk and depression I've been in.  The depression and loneliness has really kicked my butt lately.  Even with the move and new job, I'm still kind of down and out.  But lately just been more motivation than ever to get my ass going and to get to a better frame of being. 

The news that I'm cured of the cancer, back on March 19th, still hasn't really sunk in.  Still feel like the cancer is sort of like a dark cloud hovering over me.  Kind of wish that the fact I'm past it now would sink in.  Not sure what it's going to take, but hopefully soon I can move past it.  Maybe I never will, I don't know.  Maybe I need to use this for more than I can think of right now.  Who knows.  Still feel like I'm in a holding pattern with it.  Guess I just need some clarity on life.  But, thinking of that, who doesn't?

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Been way too long, but a lot has happened lately.

Yeah, I know it's been a long time since I last posted.  Too long.
But I'm going to try and start things back up.

So, a lot has happened since last I posted. 

I moved to Hagerstown, Md a few weeks ago for a new job.  Well, not too new as in I'm still a 911 dispatcher, but at a different place.  And eventually I'll get paid a little more than I was.  But the main reason I moved is I just needed to get away from Georgia.  Not that I didn't really like it there, but too many bad memories, I suppose, from everything I went through.  Needed a fresh start on life, again.

One of the biggest pieces of news I got was on April 19th.  My oncologist told me that basically she sees no reason for me to continue being tested for cancer.  That if it hasn't come back by now, then the likelihood of it coming back now is so low there's no reason to be checked anymore.  For all intents and purposes, I'M CURED!!!  God, the words I've been wanting to hear for a long time! 

It's weird though, because with the move and new job and all, it still hasn't really sunk in.  The very same day, I was packing the trailer to move up here.  lol  Maybe once I get more settled in here, it will hit me fully.  But for some reason, this morning it hit some.  Got a fire lit under me to really make something of myself, health-wise, and to really show everyone out there that I have truly beat this fucking cancer. 

Which leads me to my next point.  Almost a year ago now, someone in particular, that I didn't have a good opinion about already, made a very hurtful remark about me and cancer.  I won't go in to too much detail, but I'll just say that it was the most shocking, hurtful thing I believe a human being could say to another who had just survived cancer.  To say I was angry and seriously hurt is beyond words.  I could sort of understand if it was someone I knew personally, like family or something like that.  But this person hardly even knows me, has never even met me.  And because they were "in a bad mood" is the reason I was given for the comment being said.  Well, to me, that's no fucking excuse.  Period. 

But instead of letting someone else's opinion get me down, and make me think less of myself, I'm going to use it as fuel to better myself.  I'm going to make myself into the best I can be.  I've let those comments and shit get me down, way too much.  But not anymore.  I'm going to prove to that person, and every-fucking-body else that you can't keep me down.  I may get knocked down, but by God, I will get back and up.  I've been knocked down too much as it is.  I'm going to get back up, brush the dust off myself, and make it to where I can't be knocked down again, not in the same way I was before.  I have no clue what the future holds for me, but believe me, if I get knocked down again, it will either kill me or I will get back up and be better off than before. 

All this time, I've been beating myself up for all the wrong reasons, and getting myself so depressed, I almost gave up trying.  I was to the point I was just gonna set on my ass and accept that I wasn't going to be anything more than what the opinion of others of me was.  Well, I know that that is the wrong thing to do, and I will PROVE everyone wrong, all those that think I'm not going to be more than I am now. 

Now, just need to get informed, get my ass in gear, and prove that I'm stronger than the cancer that almost killed me.  I'm more than that.  Yeah, it's going to be a hard road, but I just need to be hard on myself like I haven't been before.  I've been told I'm too hard on myself, but I believe I've just been that way for the wrong reasons.  I've pitied myself.  I started to get into that mindset of "whoa is me, whoa is me".  You know what, fuck that.  I'm shifting that to "whoa, look at me!"