Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Wow, been almost a year....

Doesn't seem like it's been almost a year since my last post.  Sorry I've neglected this for so long.  Guess since I've been in the clear for so long now, I haven't felt like could contribute much else.  But then got to thinking, there's more to fighting cancer than while going through it.  It's a lifelong process.  Whether fighting through it at the time, dealing with the after effects right afterwards, or years down the road.  For any cancer survivor, there's always going to be that thought in the back of your mind about it, like a nagging question about whether it will ever come back.  One of them for me is "Has the cancer won?"  Meaning, although the cancer didn't kill me, did it take away parts of my life that I could/should be living now?  Sometimes I can honestly answer that yes, it has.  And I feel to blame for it, because I for some reason, feel like "I just can't do that now."  In some ways, physically, yes there's a few things I can't do.  But there again, has been partly my fault.  I haven't worked hard to keep myself in good physical shape.  I don't eat very healthy at all.  I should know better, but I give in anyways.  That's where I feel the cancer is winning, even still.  It's hard for me to explain, but sometimes I just get tired of trying, so I just give in to whatever.  I feel like I've used up so much of my self-resolve going through the treatments, that I have almost none left.  Even now.  Sometimes I think, what's the point?  Why should I?  I feel stuck in a rut in a lot of ways in my life, and not sure how to get out of it. 

So, all of that to say this.  A friend of mine sent me a website called "101 Things To Do When You Survive."(I'll post a link to the side)  The author has been fulfilling all the things in his life that's he's always wanted to do.  And surviving cancer has fueled his desire even greater to fulfill those things.    And it got me thinking, maybe that's what I need to do.  Come up with a list of stuff I've always wanted to do, and actually begin working towards them.  I'll post my list soon, still working on it.  But it's been encouraging for me to come up with this list.  It's gotten my imagination going some, and helping me to reconnect with those desires I have, but have suppressed for so long.  This list is helping me find my passions again.  And it's pretty fun to actually be working towards the things on the list.  It's also helping me keep focused more on actually fulfilling a task.  Kind of like reading a book.  I'm one of those people that will read a few chapters of a book, but never finish it.  So it is in my life, so far.  I have these things I want to do (the book), start it (read the first few chapters), but never follow through (finish reading the book).  Having an actual list written down, helps me to continually think about it, and follow through with it. 

So, things will be interesting for me in the future.  Going to take some changes to my entire lifestyle to accomplish some of these things.  But I see that as a good thing.  It will be interesting, at least.  lol

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