Wow, been almost a year....

Doesn't seem like it's been almost a year since my last post.  Sorry I've neglected this for so long.  Guess since I've been in the clear for so long now, I haven't felt like could contribute much else.  But then got to thinking, there's more to fighting cancer than while going through it.  It's a lifelong process.  Whether fighting through it at the time, dealing with the after effects right afterwards, or years down the road.  For any cancer survivor, there's always going to be that thought in the back of your mind about it, like a nagging question about whether it will ever come back.  One of them for me is "Has the cancer won?"  Meaning, although the cancer didn't kill me, did it take away parts of my life that I could/should be living now?  Sometimes I can honestly answer that yes, it has.  And I feel to blame for it, because I for some reason, feel like "I just can't do that now."  In some ways, physically, yes there's a few things I can't do.  But there again, has been partly my fault.  I haven't worked hard to keep myself in good physical shape.  I don't eat very healthy at all.  I should know better, but I give in anyways.  That's where I feel the cancer is winning, even still.  It's hard for me to explain, but sometimes I just get tired of trying, so I just give in to whatever.  I feel like I've used up so much of my self-resolve going through the treatments, that I have almost none left.  Even now.  Sometimes I think, what's the point?  Why should I?  I feel stuck in a rut in a lot of ways in my life, and not sure how to get out of it. 

So, all of that to say this.  A friend of mine sent me a website called "101 Things To Do When You Survive."(I'll post a link to the side)  The author has been fulfilling all the things in his life that's he's always wanted to do.  And surviving cancer has fueled his desire even greater to fulfill those things.    And it got me thinking, maybe that's what I need to do.  Come up with a list of stuff I've always wanted to do, and actually begin working towards them.  I'll post my list soon, still working on it.  But it's been encouraging for me to come up with this list.  It's gotten my imagination going some, and helping me to reconnect with those desires I have, but have suppressed for so long.  This list is helping me find my passions again.  And it's pretty fun to actually be working towards the things on the list.  It's also helping me keep focused more on actually fulfilling a task.  Kind of like reading a book.  I'm one of those people that will read a few chapters of a book, but never finish it.  So it is in my life, so far.  I have these things I want to do (the book), start it (read the first few chapters), but never follow through (finish reading the book).  Having an actual list written down, helps me to continually think about it, and follow through with it. 

So, things will be interesting for me in the future.  Going to take some changes to my entire lifestyle to accomplish some of these things.  But I see that as a good thing.  It will be interesting, at least.  lol

Whatever it is....

Just watched a video on Youtube, Joe Nichols "The Shape I'm In".  And at the end, there's a veteran that says: "Whatever it is..., never give up, never quit.  Keep getting back up and moving forward.  You'll be surprised at what you can do." 
Inspiring for me, cause I've let everything I've been through and all, get me down. I give up on myself a lot.  I've kept on getting up from everything, and am just tired of trying sometimes.  But seeing and hearing others who have been through harder times than me and keep getting back up and making something of themselves inspires me to do the same.  Sometimes it goes through my head that life has just gotten the best of me, and that I've failed.  I've tried and tried, and seems like I just can't get things going in a good direction.  I get up only to be knocked down again.  Something needs to change, and I don't know how to go about it. 
But hearing that guy say that stuff, helps re-center my thoughts, helps reset my mode of thinking.  Yeah, I've failed, a lot, but I've also picked myself back up and tried again. I need to keep trying.  Need to get on a right track, and move forward.  Whatever that track is, I don't know.  But hopefully soon I can figure something out, and going again.  I just hate being alone so much.  I've been doing so much on my own, and just need that someone to help push me to better myself.  I've tried, but things just didn't work out.  Not sure what all I've done wrong this time around.  But, I'm trying to get my head back on straight and move along. 

Hitting the gym, finally again

Finally going back to the gym.  Found a good one here in Hagerstown that's only a few minutes away.  And it seems pretty good.  At the moment it's an Anytime Fitness, but the owner is going private, and expanding it.  Opening up a pool and other stuff.  So, I think it's going to be a good place to be at.

Have been really motivated, lately, to get back in to good shape.  Better than I've ever been.  One, to prove that I've overcome the cancer in the best way possible.  And two, to prove to all of those that have put me on the back-burner for other people or things, that they made a huge mistake.  I want them to look at me, and know that I should have never been looked over, that I'm better than everyone else that's been in their lives.  That I should have been thought of first.  I have a lot to offer as it is.  And will soon have a lot more.

And to all of those that have looked down on me, be it because of the cancer, or because I'm overweight, or any other reason, look out.  Cause you're about to be bowled over.  And the ones who put me behind them for someone else or something else, you'll be sorry.  You'll regret it.

Guess I just have a lot of frustration, and have no other outlet, so I suppose I'll let it out here.  I'm sick and tired of being thought of last.  Working out and bettering myself in every way possible seems to be a good way to get over this funk and depression I've been in.  The depression and loneliness has really kicked my butt lately.  Even with the move and new job, I'm still kind of down and out.  But lately just been more motivation than ever to get my ass going and to get to a better frame of being. 

The news that I'm cured of the cancer, back on March 19th, still hasn't really sunk in.  Still feel like the cancer is sort of like a dark cloud hovering over me.  Kind of wish that the fact I'm past it now would sink in.  Not sure what it's going to take, but hopefully soon I can move past it.  Maybe I never will, I don't know.  Maybe I need to use this for more than I can think of right now.  Who knows.  Still feel like I'm in a holding pattern with it.  Guess I just need some clarity on life.  But, thinking of that, who doesn't?

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Been way too long, but a lot has happened lately.

Yeah, I know it's been a long time since I last posted.  Too long.
But I'm going to try and start things back up.

So, a lot has happened since last I posted. 

I moved to Hagerstown, Md a few weeks ago for a new job.  Well, not too new as in I'm still a 911 dispatcher, but at a different place.  And eventually I'll get paid a little more than I was.  But the main reason I moved is I just needed to get away from Georgia.  Not that I didn't really like it there, but too many bad memories, I suppose, from everything I went through.  Needed a fresh start on life, again.

One of the biggest pieces of news I got was on April 19th.  My oncologist told me that basically she sees no reason for me to continue being tested for cancer.  That if it hasn't come back by now, then the likelihood of it coming back now is so low there's no reason to be checked anymore.  For all intents and purposes, I'M CURED!!!  God, the words I've been wanting to hear for a long time! 

It's weird though, because with the move and new job and all, it still hasn't really sunk in.  The very same day, I was packing the trailer to move up here.  lol  Maybe once I get more settled in here, it will hit me fully.  But for some reason, this morning it hit some.  Got a fire lit under me to really make something of myself, health-wise, and to really show everyone out there that I have truly beat this fucking cancer. 

Which leads me to my next point.  Almost a year ago now, someone in particular, that I didn't have a good opinion about already, made a very hurtful remark about me and cancer.  I won't go in to too much detail, but I'll just say that it was the most shocking, hurtful thing I believe a human being could say to another who had just survived cancer.  To say I was angry and seriously hurt is beyond words.  I could sort of understand if it was someone I knew personally, like family or something like that.  But this person hardly even knows me, has never even met me.  And because they were "in a bad mood" is the reason I was given for the comment being said.  Well, to me, that's no fucking excuse.  Period. 

But instead of letting someone else's opinion get me down, and make me think less of myself, I'm going to use it as fuel to better myself.  I'm going to make myself into the best I can be.  I've let those comments and shit get me down, way too much.  But not anymore.  I'm going to prove to that person, and every-fucking-body else that you can't keep me down.  I may get knocked down, but by God, I will get back and up.  I've been knocked down too much as it is.  I'm going to get back up, brush the dust off myself, and make it to where I can't be knocked down again, not in the same way I was before.  I have no clue what the future holds for me, but believe me, if I get knocked down again, it will either kill me or I will get back up and be better off than before. 

All this time, I've been beating myself up for all the wrong reasons, and getting myself so depressed, I almost gave up trying.  I was to the point I was just gonna set on my ass and accept that I wasn't going to be anything more than what the opinion of others of me was.  Well, I know that that is the wrong thing to do, and I will PROVE everyone wrong, all those that think I'm not going to be more than I am now. 

Now, just need to get informed, get my ass in gear, and prove that I'm stronger than the cancer that almost killed me.  I'm more than that.  Yeah, it's going to be a hard road, but I just need to be hard on myself like I haven't been before.  I've been told I'm too hard on myself, but I believe I've just been that way for the wrong reasons.  I've pitied myself.  I started to get into that mindset of "whoa is me, whoa is me".  You know what, fuck that.  I'm shifting that to "whoa, look at me!"

It's really been since January????

Well, for those who read this, I'm sorry for not keeping up with things.  Just really haven't had a whole lot of stuff going on for a while.  Until fairly recently, I suppose.
Got myself another mountain bike about a month or so ago.  Had sold my last one out of frustration, partly with some of the parts on it, partly with my own fitness.  So, I sold the bike I had, and didn't think I would miss riding at all.  Well, I was totally wrong.  I've been thinking about riding a lot, and missed not having a bike.  So, I got another one.
But......
I've only ridden twice so far.  Ya see, on the second ride, at the end of the trail, I wrecked.  Didn't damage the bike at all.  But I did break my ankle!  Not a bad break, though.  Just chipped a bone.  Was in a walking cast for a few weeks, and now I'm out of that.  Still sore, but I think in about a week or so, I should be fine to ride.  Just gonna take it easier, and wrap my ankle for a while.

Yes, I'm a clutz. 

But, it's not gonna keep me from riding.  Just can't help but think of riding.  And those two rides I did get in, i really enjoyed.  I didn't try and ride real hard, or long.  Just went out with the mindset of just have fun.  And I did.  Just gonna take it easier than I was before, enjoy riding.  My fitness is no where near where I want it, and I'm not gonna push it too hard.  That's what I did before, and I burnt myself out.

I still have the grand ideas of doing long, overnight type rides.  A camping type ride, which they call bikepacking.  Basically backpacking, but instead of hiking, you ride a bike.  I've read a lot about it, and it sounds like a blast.  So, I'll work towards that.  No big, grand ideas or anything, not yet.  The time will come for all of that.  Right now, I just need to get back into riding, and working on my fitness.

As far as my cancer.  Things are still looking good.  Like my last post said, last PET scan was in December.  So glad to have that behind me.  Still have to do blood work the next few years, but for the most part, I'm over the hump.  I've been spending all this time trying to process it all.  This cancer shit has been at the forefront of my life for so long, it's weird knowing that, basically, it's now behind me.  Still working on moving beyond it.  And of course, it's still on my mind that there's still a chance it can come back.  God, if it does......I don't even want to think of it.

I've got a little more going on, that I'll write about more in another post soon.

As for this blog, seeing as how the cancer is basically behind me (hopefully forever), I gonna kinda change focus.  I'll start posting more on the fun things I'm doing.  Like mountain biking, fitness, some camping, and other fun stuff I'm doing with this new lease on life.  I guess to kinda show there is a life after cancer.  And I'll try and be a little more active with posting.  Not this one-post-every-5-months routine I've been doing lately.

So, with that, here's a few pics of the new mountain bike.  And I promise, I'm going to hold on to this one for a while!
The new bike is a 2012 Trek Cobia.  Nothing seriously fancy, but it's a fun bike to ride.  Thanks to Free Flite Bicycles for everything.

 

Top cap holds a "beverage" cap.  One of my favorite drinks.

Last PET scan

Had my last P.E.T. scan back in December.  And everything was clear!  So, that makes two years worth, and everything is looking great.  My doctor said she sees no reason to do any more scans.  That we will just do blood work for the next few years.  So, I think I'm over the hump. 

I'm so glad to be done with these scans.  Not that they were so bad, in particular.  But going and doing them each time, was just so nerve racking.  Because of that chance that something will show up this time, again.  That voice in the back of your mind saying: "What if they find something this time?  What are you gonna do?"  The anxiety of having to wait a week or two for the results is almost maddening.  So, thank the Lord above I made it through with flying colors.

So, now on with life, for the most part.  Other than the occasional blood check, I feel like I can finally move on.  Now I just have to deal with the after effects.  Those being the thyroid medicine and all of that.  Been finding out that my testosterone levels have been real low, which is probably what's contributing to my weight.  Which I'm still doing okay with, I'm down to 249 pounds.  But I'm just not making the gains I wanted, cardio-wise.  Not really getting any stronger, or cardio getting much better.  Maybe I'm just expecting too much?  I don't know.  But it seems that after all the exercising I've been doing all this time, I guess I just expected more.  So, if I get my testosterone levels back to where they should be, will that change?  I sure hope so. 

Not much else going on here.  Still not riding a mountain bike.  I'm missing it, honestly.  But don't know if I'll be able to ride.  With my knee, after a while of that repetitive motion, just makes it so sore.  But I did get those shots in my knee, and maybe once I get back into a little bit better shape, I'll give it a try again.  Maybe my weight is causing more problems than I expected.  Cause trying to pedal around as much weight as I'm trying to is making it that much harder, obviously.  We'll see.

So, with the P.E.T. scans being done with, another chapter in this story of my life is over with.  Feels good.  Feels strange.  Strange because this has been at the forefront of my life for so many years now.  I was first diagnosed in 2007, and it's now 2012.  Five freaking years.  On a path of life I NEVER expected to have to take.  But I've gotten through it, and still breathing.  I have a new lease on life, and am trying to make it better. 

Yet another long overdue post. Not what I expected, I suppose...

Well, yeah, it's been a while since my last update.  Not a whole lot to report either.  Haven't been riding the bike nearly as much as I thought I would.  Kinda lost the desire for it.  Plus, I've been having trouble with my knee and leg again.  My knee, it's just shot.  Have to start getting these lubricating shots again.  And my leg, it's just not getting it's strength back.  Trying to pedal a bike is just too much, the muscles in my leg just are not cooperating enough.  Walking and hiking isn't too much of a problem, but trying to pedal is too much.  O'well, so there's a summer's worth of goals that didn't happen. 

 

That's alright though, because i've been in the gym a lot more.  I have lost over 50 lbs. now since April.  And I can tell a big difference.  I feel better, my clothes are fitting better.  Having to get a size smaller pants and stuff, which is good, but can be expensive replacing the clothes I have.  But that's alright, that's a good burden.  Been doing a lot of walking, hiking, weights at the gym, and eating a lot better.  So, yeah, doing pretty much everything better.  Of course I cheat on the eating here and there, but kinda have to.  Keep from going insane.  lol  Or at least from falling off the wagon.

 

About the only other thing, I have my last (hopefully last, anyways) P.E.T. scan in December.  Doc said that as long as that one is clear, it will be the last one.  All I'll have to do for the next few years will be blood work.  God, what a good feeling! 

 

Other than that stuff, not a whole lot to report. Just enjoying life as much as I can.  Yeah, I have my down days, but who doesn't?  Some other good stuff going on also, but we'll save that for another day.  ;-)

 

And thanks for those of you that read this.  I've gotten some feedback from others, and it helps to know that I can help someone else out.  I said in my last message I wanted to get more involved with stuff, but haven't had much chance to do it.  Yeah, lame excuse, I suppose.

Mid June heat

Not a whole lot new going on.  Just working on getting in shape.  Which is coming along alright.  I really got serious about losing weight and getting in shape about the beginning of April.  I've lost 30 pounds so far, and losing more each day.  Have the right motivation now.  Some different personal goals that snapped me out of that rut I was in.  I've been riding my mountain bike more, a lot more than I before.  And I've also thrown in some hiking, for a good mix.  I'm wanting to go backpacking some also.  Probably no time soon, seeing as how there's a lot of stuff I'd need to get.  Like a good backpack, tent, boots, etc.  So, for now I've just been hiking around Kennesaw Mountain, on top of riding my bike of course.  As far as my bike, I've already had to replace a few parts due to them just not being tough enough.  lol  I've been riding at the usual places.  Blanket's Creek, Big Creek.  There's also a new place I'm going to start riding more frequently, Allatoona Creek.  It's just right for me right now.  It's 4 miles long, and it's just about the right amount of difficulty to be a good challenge for me.  Now, for most other people who ride, it wouldn't be much.  But for me, it's just right, right now.  I'm doing really good at building my fitness back up, relatively speaking.  I'm also getting better with my diet.  Been eating a lot better, and feeling better because of it.  I do allow myself to cheat every once in a while, but because I've drastically changed the way I eat, that when i do cheat, it usually means an upset stomach.  lol  Guess that's not a bad thing though.  Just my body telling me I shouldn't eat that crap to begin with.  So, not much else to report on other than the weight loss.  I'm proud of myself, and others are starting to comment that they can tell I've lost weight.  That makes me feel good about what I'm doing and what I've accomplished so far.  Barring any injuries or anything, there's no stopping me now.  :-) 

 

As for my goals this year, I mentioned before about some places I want to ride.  Haven't gotten to ride any of them yet.  At the moment, I'm just working on getting in the best shape I can so I can actually enjoy them instead of suffering through them.  But I will ride them before the end of summer.  Which, by the way is starting off way too hot.  Goodness, it's already getting up well into the 90's.  It's been so weird, because just two weeks ago, it was getting down into the 40's, and barely getting about 60 for a few days.  Freaky weather. 

 

Anyways, thanks to those who have commented and all.  The encouragement is great, I appreciate it.  I'm still struggling with things involving the whole cancer thing.  I read so much about other survivors who are real gun-ho about doing fundraisers and raising cancer awareness and all that.  And that stuff is great.  I support them 100%.  But for me, I don't know.  Part of me is still at a point that I don't want to be constantly reminded of everything I've been through.  Then there's a part of me that wants to help others out in some way.  To show them that there's others out there, to give them some hope.  I guess I just haven't found my place yet.  Don't know if I ever will.  I'm still trying to figure all that stuff out for myself.  I'm not worried about it though.  I'm just wanting to enjoy my life right now.  That's kinda the whole point of suffering through all of that crap, right?  To have a life? 

Pics of the new bike, finally

Sorry about the delay in posting a follow-up.  Had good reasons though.  The doctor found that I had "elevated liver enzymes" in my bloodwork about a month and half ago.  The problem with that is, the elevation could be a sign of liver cancer.  Although the chances of it being liver cancer were fairly low, they wanted to get a better picture of what's going on.  Well, after an ultrasound, and about a quarter of all the blood running through my veins being drawn, turns out it's just a "fatty liver".  Basically saying I'm just overweight.  Well doc, I could have told you that.  Anyways, thankfully it wasn't cancer, because Lord knows I DO NOT want to go through all of that again.

So, on to bigger and better things.  I still haven't made any concrete plans as far as some kind of "epic" ride or anything.  I think for this year, I'm just going to work on getting in shape, and riding as many different places in the area as I can.  There's a lot of trails here I haven't had a chance to ride yet, like Ft. Yargo, Bear Creek, etc.  A lot of places that sound fun.  So, I'll do that, and maybe next year do something crazy.

I also promised a few pictures of the new bike.  Here they are.  It's a 2011 Trek Xcal.  29er wheels, 2x10 drive train, Rock Shox Reba RL fork, and other cool tech type things on it.  I know I need to worry about just riding more, instead of getting all the really nice components for it.  It's hard not to though.  I am going to try and hang on to this one for a while.  It's a great bike, fits me just about perfectly, and is fun to ride.

Well, 2010 is over with

Well, 2010 is over with.  Sure went by fast.  And I feel like I didn't do nearly as much as I would have liked to do.  I really wanted to get back into exercising, riding my bike more, and really buckle down on doing more school work.  But for some reason or another, I just never really committed to any of it.  I could go on with the excuses, but I'm not going to.  So, for 2011, I'm going to try harder at everything.  I have a new mountain bike, and am still working on what goals I want to set for myself this year.  One thing I'm thinking of, as far as mountain biking, is to ride in a 50 mile/12 hour marathon.  I may be biting off a lot more than I can chew, but at least it's something to focus on and move towards.  If I can just get my knee/leg to cooperate a little more, I'll be good.  My knee should be good to go for a little bit.  After a couple of x-rays, the docs said I basically have no cartilage left in my knee.  So, I had a series of shots to help "lubricate" the joint, and hopefully they'll last at least a year.  I sure didn't enjoy the shots, but they seem to be helping.  Along with the knee shots, I am starting a workout program that is specific towards mountain biking.  There's a lot to it, and it's a little intimidating, but I'm going to try it. 

 

Okay, so other than the mountain bike thing, I finally finished my Fire Inspector II certification.  I am so glad that's over with.  There's so much to it, it's almost overwhelming.  I feel like I could do the job fairly competently, though.  I'm looking for a position with the government (I have over 12 years total in, so might as well stay with it), but it's kind of slow going.  Not a lot of open positions that I can qualify for at the moment.  But I'm going to keep looking.  In the meantime, I'm going to see if I can go on some inspections with the base inspectors, to get a better feel for how they do it, and get some actual experience under my belt.  I also want to start taking some college classes again.  I'm not too sure on what to focus on at the moment, but I can at least get the general classes out of the way. 

 

On the cancer front, I had my two year scans/tests in November.  Everything came out great!  Which is a huge relief for me.  Sure doesn't seem like it's been 2 years since the transplant.  But thank the good Lord above that I've made it two years.  And with the two year anniversary and clear scans, I've officially been released as a patient of the transplant group.  Yee Ha!  I've been released back to my original oncologist doctor, Dr. Hahm, who is awesome.  She's going to have me do a scan/test in 6 months, and another at 1 year.  As long as those two are good and clear, I should be finished with the testing!  And will be given the all clear!  Oh Lord, let me get though this next year with my sanity intact!  With all of this good news about me, I kind of feel bad because I haven't contributed back to anyone or anything.  I feel compelled to do some kind of volunteer stuff or support help for those that are still going through treatment.  I have no idea on what to do, or where to put that focus at, but I'm going to try to do somthing this year.  More to follow.

 

So, with this being my first post of the new year, I'm going to work on posting more often.  Looking back at my posts for 2010, it's not nearly enough, I don't think.  For my next post I'll put up pics of the new bike, and try to flesh out some kind of plan for my mountain bike "event".  Until then, everyone enjoy the new year. 

Bring a can of WD-40 with you to the doctor...

Had the orthopedic doctor's appointment a week and a half ago, and my knee isn't as bad as they thought.  From the symptoms, it seemed like I may have had a tear in the meniscus.  But after the MRI, it wasn't that, but a lot of the cartilage in the area, especially behind my knee cap, is just about gone.  So, short of a total knee replacement, there's not much they can do besides some "lubrication" shots (which I automatically began thinking they would connect a can of WD-40 to a needle).  Which I should start those very soon, at least hopefully.   Besides, I'm way too young for a knee replacement.  On top of the WD-40, I started taking that Glucosamine combination stuff, so we'll see if that helps. 

I was actually able to get a short ride on the bike today also.  Lord am I out of shape!  That's alright though, I have a refreshed outlook on my health and all that.  I have a long way to go to be able to do one of my "epic" trips, but a couple of books I've picked up lately and websites I've found have inspired me to really focus on the goal.  So, we'll see how things turn out.  Who knows, I may even be living in a different state by then. ;-)

May scan was great

My latest scans/tests were back in May. The bone-marrow doctor told me everything looked as good as they could possibly be. Pretty good relief for me. I told me regular oncologist, and she told me that with Hodgkin's, if it's going to come back, it will do so usually within the first year or so. So to have perfectly clear scans at this point (18 months from the transplant) is great news. Although it's still possible for something to happen, I'm feeling a little bit more confident that I'm in the clear. Now all I need to do is get back into shape. It's been so hard trying to exercise, it's not even funny. Even after 18 months, I still get winded very quickly, and just don't have much drive to work out as much as I should. I figured the after-effects of all the treatments would do this, but not for this long. Although I have read about some people feeling this way for up to five years. I surely hope it doesn't take that long for me. On top of all that, I've been having problems with my knee again. The past few months it's been hurting like crazy. I've been seeing an orthopedic, and he's fairly sure I have a torn meniscus and maybe even some damaged cartilage on the back of my knee cap. I'll be scheduling an MRI to find out for sure. So, that means probably another surgery on my knee (this will make three). So, my summer is done for. O'well, as long as they get my knee feeling better, that's all I care about. I know before, I may have mentioned some things I've been wanting to do, like some good mountain bike trips, maybe even a bike-packing trips (backpacking, but instead of hiking, riding a mountain bike). Those have been put on hold until next year, until my knee is better and I can get into shape.

On to other news. This past May I went on a trip to my mom's, up in Maryland. Had a great time, although the weather wasn't great. Took a trip to Baltimore harbor, which is really nice. Some different boats to go on, a cool aquarium, a really cool looking Hard Rock Cafe, and other things to see. I really enjoyed it. Since the trip, I've just been working a lot. Maybe too much, but ya gotta do what ya gotta do. Maybe things will turn for the better on the job status soon. I'm in training to be certified as a Fire Inspector level 2. Once I finish it up, and maybe get some experience under my belt, I'll be able to get a job as an Inspector. Which would be great. Regular Monday thru Friday schedule, good pay, and I'll still be part of the fire department. Pretty cool. So, hopefully things will work out for me on this.

Well, nothing more to report on. I'll write again as soon as I know something about my knee, and any else that may happen. Hope those of you that actually read this are doing good. I know I don't communicate nearly as much as I probably should. For that I apologize. Just not much to report when all ya do is work. Hopefully when my knee gets better, and I'm able to get back in shape and all, this blog will morph into some sort of super exciting record of my amazing adventures. Haha, we'll see. Until then, God bless.

Latest tests look great

Just had my latest PET scan a few weeks ago, and everything looks good.  They wanted to re-do the PET scan from November because there was still a bit of "activity" showing.  Not enough to call it cancer again, but more than normal.  What they mean by activity is: on the scan, it shows how active the cells are.  Someone without cancer will show 0.  Whereas, when I was diagnosed, the activity was up to around 8 to 10, which definitely means cancer.  Well, the scans back in November showed activity around the 2.8 to 3 range.  Which doesn't mean cancer, but shows something is going on.  They weren't too sure what it meant, either the cancer was coming back, or an infection can show the same thing.  So, they wanted to give it a few months and do another scan.  So, the latest one showed the activity around 2.3 to 2.5.  Which is great, in that it shows the activity is lowering a bit.  Not quite 0 yet, but it shows improvement.  My Oncologist explained that with Hodgkin's, that activity will show for quite a while (i.e. a few years) while the lymph nodes recover from all the treatment.  And with Hodgkin's, if it was going to reoccur, it reoccurs very fast like it did the first time.  So, with it being well over a year without it coming back, my chances of staying in remission are looking great.  Praise God!  I'm so ready to be done with this stuff. 

 

Other than all of that, nothing much has been going on with me.  Just working a lot.  This summer is looking to be fun.  Going up to my mom's in May for a week.  This summer I'm looking to do some fun stuff, like camping, white-water rafting, zip-lining, and what ever else may come up.  We'll see.  I'm just looking to have some relaxing fun.  And yes, white-water rafting is relaxing to me.  It fills that urge to do something exciting, and afterwords I'm able to relax and reflect on what I just did.  And it helps me to realize I don't have to dwell on wether or not the cancer is back, which I tend to do a lot.  Maybe everyone who's had cancer does this, I don't know.  But I sure do.  And getting the good news from the scan, I'm slowly realizing I can stop worrying about the cancer, and focus more on other things, like my fitness.  Which I should have been doing all along, but I got into a slump of thinking" why should I bother working out if I'm going to have to go through treatment again."  I know that thinking like that is wrong, but in my mind, it was a very rational thing to do.  So, I'm working on getting over that, among other things.  I may even meet up with a personal trainer to help figure out a plan that would work best for me. 

 

Until next time, let's hope and pray that this streak of good news continues. 

It's been a while, had a great summer

Yeah, I know I haven't posted anything.  Gosh, has it really been since May that I've posted anything?  Haven't had much going on as far as the cancer goes.  I got the all-clear at the check-up in May, and have been trying my best to enjoy the summer.  It's strange, as it's basically been my first summer in the past three years that I haven't had to do some sort of treatment.  And it's been a good summer.  I got to go camping (to include kayaking, swimming, etc.), white water rafting (which was a blast!), some good mountain biking (but not as much as I wanted as I'm still really out of shape), and my mom's side of the family had a reunion.  Lots of fun there.  It was great to see all of my aunts, uncles and cousins.  Everyone was concerned for me when I was going through treatment, talking on the phone and stuff.  So, it was good for all of us to know that I'm in the clear now, and to be able to spend time with each other.   

 

So, I'm suppose to go this month some time to get my 1 year checkup.  Haven't gotten my appointments yet, but it's coming.  I'm sure everything is fine, but there's always that part in the back of my mind that says "what if the tests come back positive again?"  There will always be that shadow of doubt, but I keep trusting that the Lord will see me through.  I pray that I don't have to go through this again.  This whole transplant ordeal was more than enough for me.  Partly physical, but also the emotional side of it is really hard.  In fact, I'm still kind of struggling with some stuff emotionally.  I won't go into detail, but some of the people that I thought would be there to support me were no where to be found.  Even to this day. 

 

There are times that I just want to forget everything that's happened.  It's not that I'm ashamed of it or anything, but I just get tired of trying to deal with it all, or to have to explain everything from the beginning yet again.  I don't resent the person asking.  I know they're maybe being supportive and truly wanting to learn or whatever, but it's just exhausting.  

 

Another thing that's always on my mind, is that I feel like everyone I've met in the past few years, all they think about when they think of me is the cancer.  It was only a few months after I moved here that I was diagnosed, and pretty much my entire time here has been spent dealing with the cancer.  So, in my mind, I feel like that's all they associate with me.  And I know that, for some small part, it is true.  But maybe I'm just a little paranoid too.  It's just hard to discern which is which, because I just don't talk to hardly anyone any more.  Everyone has their lives to live, and when someone isn't able to be around, they kind of get left behind.  Or because of my lack of fitness, I haven't been able to go on too many excursions.  O'well, I just need to give it some more time, and hopefully everything will pick up again.  

 

Okay, anyways; all things considered I'm doing pretty good.  I'm finally getting back in to the gym, and really making a push to get back in to shape.  So I can basically do more stuff next year.  I definitely want to do more mountain biking, and maybe some hiking/backpacking, you know stuff like that.  One thing that I definitely have planned for next year is to do a "bike-packing" trip.  Basically a back packing trip, but instead of hiking, it's riding on the mountain bike.  You carry your stuff in a back pack, and also on racks on the bike.  You can cover more ground in a given time, and it's just a different dynamic.  I don't exactly know where I'm going to do my trip yet, but I have plenty of time to figure that out.  I've been reading a lot on different places to go, also what items to take, what not to take, etc.  I'm looking forward to it, and will surely post pictures once I finally get out and get to do this. 

Well, I'm sure that's enough for now.  Once I get my next set of tests completed and receive my results, I'll post again.  Until then, thanks to all of you who have read this blog.  It's been a good release for me, and my hope is that maybe someone will be encouraged or educated with my experiences and such.  Take care, and I hope everyone is doing good.  God bless.

Second 6-month update

Had my 6 month checkup today, or the scans and bone marrow biopsy.  Everything went pretty good, not in too much pain.  Where they do the bone marrow biopsy (top parts of the hip bone) is sore, but that's to be expected.  The blood work came back looking pretty good, but doesn't really show whether or not the cancer is back.  So, my follow-up appointment isn't until the 18th, so we'll see how things go.  I'm pretty sure everything is clear, because I'm feeling good.  Good enough to go to the gym and all that good stuff.  So, if you could, keep me in your prayers that everything is good to go. 

 

Other than that, everything has been pretty non-eventful.  Just working a lot, that's about it.  Hope everyone is doing good.

Another Long Overdue Update

So, for those of you I haven't been in touch with in a while, I really do apologize. As of 26 February, I'm officially in the clear again. WooHoo! Seems like ever since I got the all clear, life has been a whirl-wind, which is partly why I haven't posted a new message for a while. I started back to work at the base the very next day, having to work over-time already too. And as of yesterday, I'm back to working part time at the bike shop. I'm feeling great, my strength has definitely come back, but I'm finding out that maybe I'm not 100% yet. The docs told me that all of the treatments I've been through, any type of physical fitness I may have had before, it's gone. And I packed on a few pounds along the way. So, I'm starting back at, pretty much, 0% fitness. No biggy though in my opinion, just means I can ony get better, right? I'm finally feeling good enough to get back to the gym and start riding my new mountain bike. Yes, you read that right, NEW MOUNTAIN BIKE ('09 Fisher X-caliber)! Just took her out on the maiden ride today. Being as how I'm so out of shape, I didn't get to ride much, but it definitely felt good to get out again. Got a good, solid hour ride in, partly still trying to adjust the levers and stuff to feel just right, but it was definitely fun. I attached a few pictures of it, for those interested. Of course this is after the first ride, and it's a little dirty. Who wants to see a clean bike?! haha

Anyways, I go back to the doctors in May for my 3 month checkup. I'm sure everything will be clear, but just for good measure, say a little prayer for me, will ya? After this checkup, I won't go back for another one until February of next year. It's definitely nice not having to go to the docs every single day for something, but now that I'm in the clear, it's been a strange experience not having to go back. Does that make sense? I was restricted from doing so much for so long, and now I have the freedom go back to doing what I "normally" do. It's defnitely an big adjustment to get use to, but I guess in a way it's a good thing, because it gives a chance to not do the same old routines, and to develop better, healthier ones. I guess that's what I'm trying to say. It's hard to explain I guess. Suffice to say, I'm not doing the same old thing, and trying to make it a habit to do better things.

So, that's really it for now. I'm feeling great, and glad to be done with this. Hopefully for the last time. Two times is enough!

Long overdue update

Wow, it's been a little while since I sent an update. I apologize to everyone I don't stay in contact with much. So, anyways, everything is going pretty good. I was officially discharged as a transplant patient on Dec. 19th, which was a great feeling. That basically means the transplant worked, and worked well. I did have to spend a few days in the hospital after treatment due to some bad sores in my throat. And I wasn't able to keep any food down for a few days. But everything is a lot better now. I'm getting my strength back finally, and ready to get back to life as normal. The docs won't let me yet, though. I'm still off from work, and not allowed to go to church or anything yet. I should be cleared to do all those things around the end of February. About the middle of February I get a full round of tests to make sure everything is going good. I could still have a spot or two of cancer, if so I'll probably have to have a round or two of radiation. We'll see though. If everything is clear and where it should be, then they'll clear me to go back to work and everything.

So, that means a lot of time at the apartment right now, either cruising around on the internet or playing my Nintendo Wii. The Wii is a lot of fun including Mario Kart, but I would like to get a few more games. I have a few friends who have Mario Kart also, and being able to play them online is pretty fun. Now, if I can just get my internet connection to work for more than 10 minutes at a time, I be cooking with gas. Other than that, life is pretty none-eventful these days. Nothing "exciting" or newsworthy to write of. So, if you have Mario Kart and connected to the internet, let's get a game together. It's a lot of fun!

Day 19, and everything's going great.

So, I'm on day nineteen after the transplant, and everything is going great. I'm ahead of schedule as far as recovery, which is a great thing. I was having to come in every day to get 2 bags of fluids, but have already been cut back to 3 times a week, and only 1 bag. Which is a good thing. My blood counts are doing great, and if I didn't mention last time, the bone marrow transplant was successful! Thank God! I was kindof worried about it, because there are some people here who's transplant didn't take, and they had to start everything over. So, now my prayer and request is that the bone marrow transplant does the trick and the cancer doesn't come back. Lord knows I don't want to do this again. Since my last email, I had to spend a week in the hospital because I had gotten some pretty bad sores in the back of my throat to where I wasn't able to even eat. And after about 5 hours of being admitted, I started to run a fever. But I got released last week, and since then my health has shot up like a bottle rocket. It's amazing actually, one day I'm feeling like crap, the next I feel good. Weird, but I'll take it. And I apologize to everyone for not letting you know I was in the hospital. I was just feeling really bad and didn't get around to doing an email. I know some of you expressed you wanted to come and visit if/when I was admitted. And I know some has expressed you would like to come around and spend some time with me. So, if you want, just let me know when's good for you. My evenings are pretty much clear. I still can't go out or anything, so most of my evenings I'm just sitting around not doing much.

Anyways, other than that, everything is going fine. I got to see my niece for her first birthday the other day. She was so cute! I'll post some pictures on my blog when I can, hopefully this evening. I got her one of those stuff-a-bears, and it has a heartbeat to it. I thought it would be kinda cool to have a teddy bear with a heartbeat, but after feeling it, it's kinda creepy. LOL O'well, hopefully she'll like it when she grows up. Not much else going on. Hope everyone is doing good, and had a good thanksgiving. And Merry Christmas!

A few days after transplant.

I just had my stem cell transplant this past friday. Which they officially call Day 0. I'm so glad to have that out of the way. Now I just have to wait and let them (the cells) do their thing, if they want. There is a chance that the transplant won't take. Which means I'll have to have a donor, and go through a whole new set of hurdles. But I'm not worrying about that right now. I'll fill everyone in on that if and when it happens. Let's just pray it doesn't. The doctors are saying that my blood counts will probably bottom out in the next few days, meaning I'm the most susceptible to infections or fever or whatever. So, I'm having to take it really easy for the next few weeks. But I'm feeling fine right now. I just started to get a sore at the back of my throat. It makes it a little hard to swallow, but not bad yet. They say in the next few days it's going to get bad enough that they're going to have to admit me to the hospital. O'well, it's expected to have some type of hospital stay, so might as well get it out of the way. Other than that, everything's going okay. I haven't had much to do, beyond going back and forth to the hospital every day. Being here for 8 to 10 hours a day, then when I get home, I'm just wiped out. Just a minor inconvinence is how I'm looking at it. Hopefully within a month, this will all be a thing of the past.

One good thing through all of this though, is that I've met a lot of great people, both nurses/doctors and patients. Everyone has their story to tell, and it's great to hear where they're coming from and how they're dealing with everything. Everyone has a positive attitude about their outcome. And pretty much everyone has a genuine interest in what you have to say, even if it's a story they've heard a dozen times. Which I think it's good. It's good to get it out sometimes with someone who knows exactly where you're coming from. Great people here that I hope to stay in contact with once everything is over and done.